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Sunday, January 07, 2007

Hiatus . . . Interrupted

It's quite a bit earlier than my projected return to blogging . . . In fact, Dacey's birthday is still three weeks away.

But the thing is - I'm pregnant!

And now I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts that need an outlet - and the keyboard beckons me.

It is so outrageously early, it seems silly to tell anyone. And yet, it's surprisingly easier to share the news with my online community. If the worst should happen and we lose this pregnancy, the "clean-up" is sort of easier . . . A few quick keystrokes rather than many, many phone calls.

So here I am - interrupting my own hiatus so I can let a few of these thoughts seep out before I go crazy thinking them over and over in my head.

First, I am ecstatically happy. I cannot fathom that we would be so blessed as to be able to conceive in our first month of trying. As with my pregnancy with Dacey, I can't seem to limit myself to "cautious optimism," even though quite a few of my friends have lost pregnancies, particularly after delivering one or more babies with no complications. I just can't help but to full-out, full-on celebrate this life within me. I know full well I may not get to carry it to term, but I don't want to deny it the respect it deserves.

Secondly, I am scared. Terrified! This baby's due date is smack dab in the middle of our most hectic time of life - football season. My husband is an amazing and dedicated coach; I worry about the stress and strain of adding to our family during the most stressful part of our year. Additionally, as I have said many times, D is very serious about her attachment to me. I fear for what this disruption in her life with Mommy will do to her, to our relationship. I know this is a completely normal feeling. I just didn't know how powerful and disconcerting the fear would be.

Thirdly, it is as if the moment the test turned positive, a switch was flipped within me and I find myself examining and re-examining Dacey's delivery - an "emergency" c-section.

I have a lot to write about this, but I need to hold back for a while as I sort through some of it on my own. It's just amazing to me that all of the sudden, the events of nearly two years ago nearly consume my thoughts.

More on this to come, I assure you.