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Thursday, January 11, 2007

Beneath the surface

Thanks, friends, for your wise and encouraging words. (I have been meaning to write more, but have been feeling pretty darn crappy!)

Anyway, the funny thing is - I didn't realize at all that I had any unresolved feelings - positive or negative - towards my c/s. I actually had a really good c/s experience. Fairly easy recovery, never felt cheated or robbed of anything, lots of help and support getting back on my feet again.

But I had never gone back and revisited the way I viewed labor and delivery before D was born. Like I said in my last entry, I was flat out terrified of the birthing process. I felt woozy reading books on labor. I felt pretty confident that I was not up for it physically. So instead, I focused all my energy on having a positive breastfeeding relationship with my soon-to-be-born daughter.

Here was my philosophy: Basically, that child was going to have to come out of me one way or the other. If I couldn't do it by myself, my doctor could do it for me. Breastfeeding, on the other hand, well, that was all me. I seriously stressed out so much about breastfeeding and hardly gave labor a thought. Subconsciously, I think I kind of wanted a c-section. In fact, the reality is, when my OB said "c-section" I actually felt relieved. I was so scared of the PAIN I had heard so much about, and to be quite honest, I was scared of long-term damage to my lovely vagina and precious pelvic floor. Pretty shallow, huh? You know, when I think back on my thoughts and attitudes about childbirth, I almost feel as if I am reading one of my high school journals. I look back at my pre-mama self and kind of wanly smile and shake my head.

So I don't really harbor any hard feelings towards anyone involved in my c/s. I am not really all that angry with myself, I just feel stupid. It's true, what Karen said that Oprah said (and I believe what Oprah said is what Dr. Angelou said - could be wrong though) that when you know better, you do better. I just can't believe how much I chose not to know because I was afraid.

Interestingly enough, one of my new years' resolves was to seek to be unbound from fear in so many areas of my life. As the new year began to dawn, I had no idea I would be confronting fear of childbirth in such a very real way. But here I am. :)

Thanks for listening, ya'll.