Green

I am, for the first time, really understanding the phrase "green around the gills."

Each day brings with it a day long feeling of nausea that actually feels as though it's emanating from my throat (where my gills might be if I had gills). My gag reflex is also more hyper-sensitive than ever before in my life. Yesterday a pita that had begun to grow some green mold made me retch. Sure, moldy bread is unappetizing, but I never before have I had such a violent reaction to food left to its own devices.

And that will be enough complaining for today.

In other news, we are hopeful that the ice storm that has had us trapped inside since Monday will subside and we may even begin to thaw out. My poor daughter - cabin fever is in full force for both of us!

Redemption Child

Can I just say how appreciative I am for the vast array of online resources for mamas these days? Yes, there's some muck to search through, but mostly there are many, many resources literally at our fingertips that so many mamas before us have not had access to. Hurrah for the internet!

Thank you, Kulia, for pointing me in the direction of I-CAN! There are no chapters near me, but the online resources are outstanding.

Thanks to the mamas at MDC, I have found out some helpful information about doulas. DONA has tons of information for doulas and expectant families, and I am hoping to be able to find a doula-in-training in our area who might be able to support us in a VBAC delivery. BellyWomen.Net is a great site that connects low-cost (or free!) doula services with women who are pregnant.

So as I continue to think and reflect on my birthing options, my thoughts also turn to mothering a newborn again. I can now look back at Dacey's first three (okay, six) months and be able to say we had a "rocky start." There was a time when I would have chosen different phrasing - like, I don't know . . . "hellish start," perhaps. As I have shared before, I was ensnared in a scheduled-feeding-babies-belong-in-cribs-don't-spoil-that-baby mindset. I had read a book that convinced me that what I now know to be nurturing a baby would certainly lead to a crabby, demanding, nightmare child and also the certain destruction of my marriage. And so I spent tortured months trying to let her cry it out in her crib to get her to sleep, only to pick her up tearfully each time and rocking her to sleep while mentally berating myself for failing her as a mother. So yes, it was self-induced hell, but I really thought I was doing the right thing.

And so I think and daydream about the arrival of our next baby, and visions of tucking that sweet bundle in a sling while D and I go about our days mingle with delightful thoughts of not making the poor babe wait until the next feeding time on the schedule to breastfeed. Ah, and sharing sleep with no guilt! Just having an overall sense of confidence in trusting myself as a mother . . . Well, in some ways, I almost feel like I will be a first-time mother again.

But I wonder if that's a lot of pressure to put on this next baby. To be the one with whom Mommy works through all of her guilt about D's babyhood. To be the child that allows Mommy to atone for her mistakes. To be the Redemption Child.

As I continue walking out the journey of motherhood, it occurs to me that it is no wonder we all have issues from our childhood. How could we not? It seems that the circle of life in families dictates that as parents, we are always seeking to atone for something; so often, that search for atonement expresses itself in the choices we make - consciously and unconsciously.

I think I will be proactive and get D on a therapy waiting list right now.

BLOGROLL

My Bloggin' Friends!
Corey (Living and Loving Every Minute of It!)
Emily (From Mumu to MILF)
Ingrid (Boricua in Texas)
Julie (Peaceful Chaos)
Karen (My Hands are Full and So Is My Heart)
Keara (Now I Know What Life is All About)
Laura (Sweet Awakenings)
Lauren (This Rollercoaster We Call Life)
Lori (Fairytales & Magaritas)
Mandy (A Small Tribe)
Mary Ann (Moutaineer Mommy)
Meghan (Pyreflies over Xanarkand)
Melissa (how 'bout the etheredge fam)
Noah (Life of a SAHM)
Papaya Mom
Sara (Sarandipity)
Shannon (Saga City)
Stephanie (Providence Handmade)

Blogs I Read (whilst I should be cleaning house or knitting or gardening or doing something crunchy with my time!)
2 Pink Lines
2nd Cup of Coffee
A Complete Thought
Adventures in Babywearing
After a cup of coffee . . . or two
Antique Mommy
BirdBrain
Big Mama
BooMama
Days to Come
Diary of a Shoe Addict
Dream Bigger
FriedOkra
Gluten Free Krums
Green Bean Boutique
Happy Jack's Mommy
Here we go again!
HippieMommy
Home on the Ridge
Home Sanctuary
I'm an organizing junkie!
It Coulda' Been Worse
It's Almost Naptime!
Lifenut
Little Fun; Little Learning
Living Proof Ministries (Beth Moore)
Looking Towards Heaven
love, laughter & laundry
Mama Blogga
Melissa Garrett ~ A Writer's Woolgatherings
Metropolitan Mama
Mom of Three Girls
Musings of a Housewife
My Quotidian Mysteries
ohamanda
Parent Hacks
Raising Five
Rocks in My Dryer
Scribbit
She Laughs at the Days
Summer's Nook
Sunnypond Home
Sweet Tea with Lemon
'Tis But a Season
The Lazy Organizer
theStovers
The Things You Didn't Do
the truest thing
The Wooden Porch
Velveteen Mind
Walk Slowly, Live Wildly

On Hiatus
Age
Amanda
Amy
Andrea
Colleen
Devon
Helen
Jessica
Katie
Mandy (My New Memories)
Nichole
Piper
Yan

Beneath the surface

Thanks, friends, for your wise and encouraging words. (I have been meaning to write more, but have been feeling pretty darn crappy!)

Anyway, the funny thing is - I didn't realize at all that I had any unresolved feelings - positive or negative - towards my c/s. I actually had a really good c/s experience. Fairly easy recovery, never felt cheated or robbed of anything, lots of help and support getting back on my feet again.

But I had never gone back and revisited the way I viewed labor and delivery before D was born. Like I said in my last entry, I was flat out terrified of the birthing process. I felt woozy reading books on labor. I felt pretty confident that I was not up for it physically. So instead, I focused all my energy on having a positive breastfeeding relationship with my soon-to-be-born daughter.

Here was my philosophy: Basically, that child was going to have to come out of me one way or the other. If I couldn't do it by myself, my doctor could do it for me. Breastfeeding, on the other hand, well, that was all me. I seriously stressed out so much about breastfeeding and hardly gave labor a thought. Subconsciously, I think I kind of wanted a c-section. In fact, the reality is, when my OB said "c-section" I actually felt relieved. I was so scared of the PAIN I had heard so much about, and to be quite honest, I was scared of long-term damage to my lovely vagina and precious pelvic floor. Pretty shallow, huh? You know, when I think back on my thoughts and attitudes about childbirth, I almost feel as if I am reading one of my high school journals. I look back at my pre-mama self and kind of wanly smile and shake my head.

So I don't really harbor any hard feelings towards anyone involved in my c/s. I am not really all that angry with myself, I just feel stupid. It's true, what Karen said that Oprah said (and I believe what Oprah said is what Dr. Angelou said - could be wrong though) that when you know better, you do better. I just can't believe how much I chose not to know because I was afraid.

Interestingly enough, one of my new years' resolves was to seek to be unbound from fear in so many areas of my life. As the new year began to dawn, I had no idea I would be confronting fear of childbirth in such a very real way. But here I am. :)

Thanks for listening, ya'll.

Wading through a flood

Thanks for the congrats, mamas. Yeah, we are pretty thrilled. Meghan - there's still time! January is a great month to get knocked up. Hee hee hee . . .

So, it's interesting. Like I mentioned yesterday, the very moment I discovered I was pregnant, I instantly began mulling over delivery options in my mind. Mmmm, maybe "mulling" isn't the best word. Let's call it what it is - obsessing.

And so I hauled newly pregnant booty to the library and checked out every book I could on birthing after cesarean. While that was probably not the best approach to take (it was certainly the most overwhelming), I kept coming across statements in each book where the author wrote about VBAC mothers needing to be at peace with their c/s experiences to improve their chances of a safe and healthy vaginal delivery. At first I skimmed over this, because I thought I was at peace with my c/s. But the more I read, the more it dawned on me that it my intentional lack of information and education about birthing really pretty much set me up for an operating room delivery.

We did not take childbirth classes. I was convinced I would "have" to have an epidural because I don't handle pain well, so I wasn't the least bit interested in anything other than signing off on having taken the epidural "class" the hospital requires (10 minutes with the anesthesiologist) and that was about it. Like many American women, the only labors and deliveries I had born witness to were on The Baby Story. I saw what unmedicated birth looked like - it was scary, it was undignified, and it was certainly not classy. When I heard a veteran mom comment that she wouldn't have a root canal with no medication, so why would she birth a child without it? - I felt confident I was making the right decision on that.

I did at least realize that there would be some "discomfort" in weathering the contractions leading up to the time I could get the epi, so I flipped through a friend's copy of the Bradley Book and promptly became even more terrified by what I saw there. The very few things I picked up from my scant reading about relaxing, letting your body go limp and allowing the contractions to work for you . . . all of that was out the window when labor set in. It hurt and I was scared. I had no one there to talk me through what was happening. My husband was scared, too. He certainly didn't know what to say, other than "when can you get the epidural?"

So there was a lot of fear. A lot, a lot of fear. Tomorrow, I will share more on how fear mixed with ignorance led us straight to the OR.

Hiatus . . . Interrupted

It's quite a bit earlier than my projected return to blogging . . . In fact, Dacey's birthday is still three weeks away.

But the thing is - I'm pregnant!

And now I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts that need an outlet - and the keyboard beckons me.

It is so outrageously early, it seems silly to tell anyone. And yet, it's surprisingly easier to share the news with my online community. If the worst should happen and we lose this pregnancy, the "clean-up" is sort of easier . . . A few quick keystrokes rather than many, many phone calls.

So here I am - interrupting my own hiatus so I can let a few of these thoughts seep out before I go crazy thinking them over and over in my head.

First, I am ecstatically happy. I cannot fathom that we would be so blessed as to be able to conceive in our first month of trying. As with my pregnancy with Dacey, I can't seem to limit myself to "cautious optimism," even though quite a few of my friends have lost pregnancies, particularly after delivering one or more babies with no complications. I just can't help but to full-out, full-on celebrate this life within me. I know full well I may not get to carry it to term, but I don't want to deny it the respect it deserves.

Secondly, I am scared. Terrified! This baby's due date is smack dab in the middle of our most hectic time of life - football season. My husband is an amazing and dedicated coach; I worry about the stress and strain of adding to our family during the most stressful part of our year. Additionally, as I have said many times, D is very serious about her attachment to me. I fear for what this disruption in her life with Mommy will do to her, to our relationship. I know this is a completely normal feeling. I just didn't know how powerful and disconcerting the fear would be.

Thirdly, it is as if the moment the test turned positive, a switch was flipped within me and I find myself examining and re-examining Dacey's delivery - an "emergency" c-section.

I have a lot to write about this, but I need to hold back for a while as I sort through some of it on my own. It's just amazing to me that all of the sudden, the events of nearly two years ago nearly consume my thoughts.

More on this to come, I assure you.

Official hiatus

Is hiatus the right word? A break . . . I am taking an official break from blogging.

In the past month or so, I have fallen in love with my job! Trite but true, I owe a lot of it to good ol' Flylady! My home had become such a pit of clutter and yuck that I was actually very, very depressed over it all. Slowly but surely, I am digging my way out and I feel amazing. Not just amazing - I feel at peace, contented, and effective for the first time in well over a year. Additionally, in the past two months or so, Dacey has become such a JOY to be around that I find I just cannot sacrifice time away with her to be online. And in the time that she is asleep (Hello, Gorgeous! Two and half hour nap in the afternoon!), I am working on a mulitude of projects (writing, decluttering, yada yada) and this sad little blog has definitely been suffering.

So I am signing off officially for now. Let me get through the holiday madness and the big birthday at the end of January and I will be back! I promise!

It's too much

Oh wow. If anyone even still checks in here for updated entries - well God bless you! There is actually no end to the things I think of blogging about, but much of it has nothing to do with natural family living (the whole premise for this blog) and most all of it is extremely self-absorbed. It's too much to put in words right now . . . hopefully someday soon I can put some meaningful words together.

In the meantime, I gotta tell you, I made the most DELISH peanut noodles tonight. I darn near ate the whole thing myself, and even Miss Picks-A-Lot ate a respectable amount. From a site I haunt regularly - VegWeb, you must check out the Kids Choice Yummy Peanut Noodles. Enjoy!

Love me, love my friends . . .

FIRST - thank you SO much to all who responded with helpful words and just commiseration vibes on the discipline issue. I so appreciate all the links. This is very much an ongoing issue between DH and I and I feel quite sure this topic will be revisited.

Secondly, many in the blogosphere are familiar with the NaBloPoMo concept.

Some of my sweet, dear friends are blogging it up all month, and I want to point you in their directions . . . They are already on my listed on my blog links; I just want you to know they will have much depth and insight to offer you this month (much more than I have to offer, I assure you!) - so don't miss out on the worthwhile reading!

Kudos to Kulia, Meghan, and Ingrid.

Train me? Teach me? Help me!

Oh wow. I cannot BELIEVE it has been so long since I blogged. It's all dadgum dial-up's fault. Accessing my own blog is painfully slow enough . . . it's even more difficult to carve out time to read the thoughts of others! I know I am missing out on so much. Forgive! Forgive! Hopefully these dial-up days will soon end.

Anyway, something that weighs HEAVILY on my mind these days is the subject of discipline. Gone are the days when a stern "NO" could stop D in her tracks. Now she seems to delight in that word. Rather than allowing herself to be redirected, she seems determined to find the next no-no that she knows will get Mommy's attention.

Here is the main problem in our home. Kyle comes from a home where the praises of Dobson are sung: a spanking-friendly, training-oriented approach to parenting - to put it nicely. But ya'll! I am just not down with it! It goes against my heart in the same way Ezzo's Babywise did. But Kyle feels strongly that stern punishments for misbehavior are what are needed to create a child who is pleasant to be around.

Another concern - I am woefully awful about doling out negative consequences. A huge weakness in my life is that I hate for anyone to be unhappy or displeased with me. This was a problem when I was teaching - I had a hard time following through with consequences - and it's a problem in relationships - I have a hard time speaking the truth when it needs to be spoken.

So, my lovely readers, talk to me! I would love to hear your thoughts on how Kyle and I can come to an agreement on approaches to discipline, as well as any book recommendations you want to share. I welcome thoughts from everyone - parents of kids of all ages as well as those without children.

Eat, child! Eat!

Sorry ya'll. I have just not been feeling very bloggy lately. :(

But here's something I want to throw out there . . . Kyle and I are still very much into our healthy eating thing. I have been trying really hard to make sure we are eating lots of fresh, whole foods and putting a lot of thought into every meal. The problem? D is so not on board. And here's my quandry - if I am hoping that this whole foods kick is not, in fact, a kick but rather a lasting lifestyle change, how hard should I be pushing D to eat what I am serving? She loves fruit and veggies - that's never a problem. It's the other stuff - like rice, beans, and tofu - that she is not into.

Before I had kids, I swore up and down that our kids would eat whatever was served. But it is so hard to watch a toddler (who I am not just positive can really understand the concept of "this is what we are eating . . . eat this or go hungry") sit and pick at a meal when I know she needs the fuel for her active little body.

What do ya'll think? What do you do when it comes to meals? (Keep in mind D is 20 months old.)

This I love

I love this.

Tucked into a shady grove next to the river is the Purple Dinosaur park.

Protective branches arch overhead to provide respite from the stubborn Texas sun.

Ellies and Caitlyns and Daceys mingle with Dakotas and Aidens and Jacksons as each begins to navigate playground politics.

Mommies and Daddies and Grandmas and nannies strike up easy conversation on the benches in the shade.

(Conversations interjected with "No, ma'am! You need to wait your turn!" and "Come here and get a drink, baby, your face is all red!" and "Good job! You went down the slide by yourself!")

How thrilling, how divine to become so grounded while swinging on a creaky old swing with a lap full of your heart.

This I love.

testing

I recently had to make the very tragic downgrade to dial-up. Just testing this out to see if life after cable-modem will allow for time to blog . . .

Let's talk about SLEEP, baby!

O bed! O bed! delicious bed!

That heaven upon earth to the weary head.

~Thomas Hood, Miss Kilmansegg - Her Dream

Ah, yes. Bed. Is there any more treasured place of solace for a mama to little ones? It really is a heaven on earth to those who are "on call" all day, every day. But when we these little ones make their grand entrances, the Mommies and Daddies often have a dilema about where the babes will sleep (when they do sleep, if they do sleep . . .).

Before D was born, I was very solidly in the sort of "mainstream" camp that says babies should sleep in their own bed (crib or bassinette) so Mommy and Daddy can keep their bed special and privated. I just swore up and down that our "marriage bed" would not be invaded by our children. I held fast to this belief all throughout my pregnancy, only begrudgingly allowing my in-laws to buy a bassinette for D to sleep in our room.

Okay, so fast-forward to our first night in the hospital after she was born. D was born at 5:43 in the morning and I finally came out of OR recovery about 7:45 or 8. Our hospital is all about rooming in, so she had been in my arms or right beside me in her hospital bassinette all day. I shoo'ed everyone out of the room for the night. It was just D, me, and the nurses. I tried and tried to let her sleep in that hospital bassinette. I just knew that was the "right thing" to do. But I tell - I felt a physical ache over her being even 2 feet from me! Finally in the middle of the night, I pulled her into bed with me and discovered the joys of shared sleep.

Over the next few weeks, I constantly beat myself up because our lovely bassinette was getting no use at all (except as a diaper holder - disposables back in those days). BUT, D was content to sleep between her daddy and me and Kyle loved it, too. We never felt she had invaded our bed -- quite the contrary, it seemed as if that is exactly where she should be. Since we found it to be really very natural and very right for us, we went with it until she was about 6 months old, when it became very obvious to us that she wasn't sleeping well in our bed anymore. From there, we moved into a time where she would start out the night in her crib, then join us in bed anywhere from 2 to 4 in the morning and wake up with us. Oh, what treasured times! It is such a DELIGHT to wake up to the smiling face of your precious love. We continued with that sleep situation until just very recently when she started sleeping through the night.

It's nice. I miss her at night, but I know she is getting great sleep in her crib and is confident and secure in knowing that we are there for her if she needs us. It's also nice to not share your bed with a windmill. :)

Now that I have shared our story about sleep decisions, I would LOVE to hear ya'll's thoughts on babies and sleep. Where did your babies sleep? How did you come to that decision? Do you/did you feel at peace with that? Did you/will you do things differently with future children?

*** this post is brought to you courtesy of Sesame Street, that lovely, lovely program that has been both entertaining and educating D for the past 15 minutes so I could write!

WFMW! - "Playgroups USA"

Yep, a day late and a dollar short, as usual!

My tip for this Works for Me Wednesday is a wonderful resource for anyone looking to organize a playgroup. Playgroups USA is a site that can help mamas connect to an already existing playgroup or get a new one up and running. Remember that sweet mama I met last month at the library? Well she has done an amazing job of getting a local playgroup up and running and this site has been spectacular for keeping everyone organized and up-to-date. All you do is join the site (it's free!), search by zip code or other search parameters, and find out if there are playgroups in your area with which you can connect. There is an interactive calendar for events to be posted and you can RSVP if you are going to be there or not. Very, very handy tool for mamas looking to connect.

Enjoy!